Friday, May 28, 2010.3:54 AM
I gave up on privating this blog.
I realised that I've never truly learnt to let anyone in.
It was always people coming up to me and pouring their hearts out and
screaming their lungs out.
In a way, you can say my ears were doing all the work.
After they're done screaming or speaking, they go, "hey, wait a minute, why arent you saying anything? its your turn to speak."
I was never truly prepared.
Like, I felt like i was gonna say something but it never came out.
Maybe its time? I guess it is.
I've been acting so 'weird'.
Lets see... over-protective? pained?
Why? I dont know either.
Probaby because of reasons I'm unaware of myself.
For one thing, people keep telling me I'm living in my own world.
I guess I am. trying to shut out everything.
Everyone's feeble attempts to get in.
You see, people tend to give up too easily.
When you were nearly there, you just gave up.
Oh and dont think that i wasnt trying to push the door open either.
I was trying. Not hard enough? I doubt it wasnt my best.
I'm not playing a game with ya. I'm not testing your patience.
I know some people think I am.
Wait. No, that's just surface stuff.
When I see friends talking among themselves, I just feel a stab of jealousy.
Then, I'd be thinking, wtf, c'mon, it isnt normal for you to feel this way.
But I just cant stop it.
Sometimes, when I feel like talking to someone, they're all busy with their own stuff ir friends. I wouldnt feel like bothering them. Anyway, I dont know what to talk about. I just feel like talking.
Sometimes when people get caught up on my moodiness, I start feeling apologetic.
When it all goes away, I'd go over and start prodding them but they'd give me no response. I know they cant quite fathom what's wrong with me. Neither can I.
But I can feel their confusion and I blame myself for being such a mistake.
Sometimes, I just want to sit by someone in the crowd who understands me the most.
Maybe just feel some warmth radiating from that person. Watch the smiles and feel the hugs. The connection. The kinda thing that whispers in your head, "hey, you're gonna be alright. Just let it go."
Sometimes, I cant trust myself to be nice. This isnt much of a major problem.
I guess you can say that these are heartfelt words. All the stuff left unsaid rolled up into a ball. Snowballed.
And before you can say that all I've typed is irrelevant, maybe think for awhile.
Now I feel like I'm typing crap.
I should do a degree in that.
Just hope it rains tonight.
=Access=
